My post-graduation depression

“There is no official diagnosis of post-graduation depression. No research. No formal studies” — Haydee Alonso.

I think my post-grad depression kicked in not long before I graduated from my undergrad. Everyone was looking forward to graduating. I wasn’t. I was dreading it. I carried this shame for not being overjoyed and sharing in everyone else’s elation. But I also knew at that stage that I was planning on going back to university and doing post-grad. So I didn’t sit in the depression very long, as come February 2018 I was back at university.

When I finished my thesis at the end of 2019 I took some time off during the summer to just relax and read, and recharge after an intense finish to the year finishing my thesis. Then early in the new year threw myself into job hunting and trying to find a new structure in my life.

The structure that education gave to my year, and then to my days as well has always been comforting. I knew I had certain months of the year off for holidays. Then I knew what days I was in lectures and tutorials, I had assignments to write, my thesis to prepare and research, and then write. I had tasks I needed to do each day to stay on top of everything. When I didn’t have that structure, I feel into a hole of not needing to do anything and so not doing anything.

It’s strange when you’re at university you know where you need to be and when. You have know where you are going and have goals and stages that get you through that time. When I finished university I felt all that just disappear.

That feeling of belonging somewhere and having purpose was just kind of gone. And there was nothing to replace it. And so my mental health slipped quite low.

When lockdown happened, it kind of just got worse. We weren’t allowed anywhere, so there were days when I just stayed in my room and didn’t leave the house. There were days when there was just nothing to get up for. I have always been someone quite content with their own company, my social anxiety can make going out hard and I always sort of struggled to make friends. But I had never felt truly lonely, until I finished university and then we were in lockdown and there was just emptiness.

Up until lockdown I had been quite actively job seeking. Once we went into lockdown any of the jobs I had applied for were cancelled and job hunting seemed like a fruitless task, so I stopped. But at the same time was hyper-aware of my lack of prospects for when we got out of the lockdown. Then I realised I had been hunting for my supposed “dream job” but I actually had no idea what that was.

My graduation ceremony was scheduled for Winter 2020. Then COVID. Graduation ceremonies were cancelled, and I must have been the only one almost relieved to not have to go through the ceremony. I felt guilty that I couldn’t be bothered with it when the rest of my family wanted to celebrate it. But I just couldn’t do it. When the university finally rescheduled our graduations, I passed and elected not to do it. My graduation certificate was posted to me and we celebrated at home.

There is no information on how to deal with a decline in mental health when you leave university. No-one tells you this might happen. How we spend years working towards the end result of graduating and moving into adulthood, but when you actually get there, you have no clue what is going on or what to do. The downward spiral just kind of happened, and then you’re just in a free fall trying to land somewhere soft, but there wasn’t really anything soft and there are some days where I wonder where I’ve landed or if I have at all.

I still struggle even over a year after I finished studying, but I have developed systems and routines that help me manage. There are still low days, but now they are further apart.